If you’re writing an idiot-proof guide to something, it’s called “Instructions for using a kettle.” If you’re, say, assembling IKEA furniture, you could say, “Sure, the instructions were no instructions for a kettle, but we managed to put the shelf together without destroying our marriage.”

I learned this while shopping for a WiFi router. Having finally picked one, I ordered it to be delivered to the nearest electronics superstore as usual. But I got an error: “We’re sorry–this item has been sold out in your city. Please choose another city.”

Right, I’ll just pop down to Saratov after breakfast and buy it there.

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