Let’s find out.

1. First of all, where were you born?
a) America
b) Foreignland
c) Canada

2. What do you eat for breakfast?
a) Cereal and fruit
b) Gin
c) An Egg McMuffin and a cup of coffee

3. What do you think about the price of gas?
a) I don’t — I commute on my unicycle.
b) I have a small car, so it is cheap to fill up with gas.
c) It has become too high and my gas-guzzling SUV now costs too much to fill up.

4. What do you think of Bush and the war in Iraq
a) I support the American soldiers and the Iraqi people, but not Bush or the war.
b) I think the Iraqi have the right to self-determination, and that America has the right to their oil.
c) It is hard to say, because I am presently in Iraq, fighting both Iraqis and Americans.

5. What are your favorite colors?
a) Green–the color of money
b) I am blind and thus can not distinguish between colors, let alone see them.
c) Red, white, and blue!

6. What do you spread on bread to make sandwiches?
a) Marmite
b) Butter
c) Peanut butter

7. What is your favorite sport?
a) Dodging bullets
b)  Baseball
c) European football

8. Do you agree with the phrase that “bigger is always better”?

a) Yes, definitely
b) It’s not the size of the boat that matters, but the motion in the ocean.
c) Not always.

 “Quiz — How American are you?” Cool English Magazine. Vol 21. 2006.

Let’s see how you did. The answers I bolded are those worth the most points; the more points you have, the more American you are. Obviously, this magazine is written by a British company. It’s entertaining, but it seems counterproductive to use your ESL publication as a platform for your xenophobic views. Maybe that’s just me. To be fair, they are self-deprecating as well, albeit less egregiously (for instance, the accompanying CD allows you to listen to one of the articles read by either an “East-coast American man,” a “Posh Englishman,” or a “Pompous Englishman.” 

Here’s a less obnoxious and more amusing excerpt from the same magazine. This is why I do NOT think that slang should be taught in schools unless taught expressly through native speakers (teaching their own dialect) and contemporary, mainstream TV. 

One more sidenote: This article is arranged in four columns, titled “Situation,” “Formal,” “Relaxed,” and “Informal.” If you don’t understand the last three titles, you can navigate the table based on the size of the women’s underwear pictured above each column. Clever. Amusing. But slightly outrageous.


Situation: You would like to have dinner with a friend.
Informal (with picture of string bikini): Yo, let’s go get some grub!

Situation: You ask a friend if they would like a beer. 
Informal: Hey man, you wanna brewski?

Situation: A friend has invited you to a party but you are busy during the time of the party.
Informal: Oh, I can’t come–I got crap to do.

Situation: A problem occurs so you ask a co-worker to help you. 
Informal: Hey, something screwed up could you lend me a hand?

Situation: You tell an acquaintance to be serious and stop joking around.
Informal: Come on man, don’t be such a goober, this shit is for serious.

Situation: The waiter has come to your table to take your order, but you have not yet chosen what you would like to eat.
Informal: Gimme a sec, I still gotta settle on somethin’.

Situation: You are very attracted to a girl (or boy), and wish to ask them out on a date. 
Informal: Girl, you fine! Gimme your digits, and lets hook up.

In bold is the only sentence that I personally would ever say from this list–but I would say it without using a run-on.